


I can't help but love you.

by KrissiTheStarfleetCaptain



Series: Stories of James T. Kirk and Leonard H. McCoy [6]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Self-Doubt, True Love, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-27
Updated: 2019-03-27
Packaged: 2019-12-25 08:15:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18257345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrissiTheStarfleetCaptain/pseuds/KrissiTheStarfleetCaptain
Summary: He holds on to Jocelyn’s hand like an anchor because she is steady. He’s tried to capture a wild storm for far too long. Settling for a beautiful summer breeze isn’t the worst thing. In the contrary, it is the smart choice, it’s the wise one.





	I can't help but love you.

**Author's Note:**

> So I actually wanted to post this on the weekend but I couldn't help myself any longer, to be honest. This scene has been inspired by Malec (also known as: The real reason why anyone watches Shadowhunters) :'D I hope you enjoy. It's nothing big but since I've rewatched all the Malec scenes on YouTube this particular scene has been itching in my fingers to be put into a McKirk-version and it happened. Most of my writing just happens. o.o

This isn’t right. 

Jocelyn looks breath-taking, no doubt. His eyes wander over her face when she walks the aisle towards him. Her golden hair is braided elegantly and falls down her neck and over her shoulder. It captures the sunlight falling through the big stained-glass windows which gives it a divine shine. Honestly, it is truly mesmerising, seeing the play of light and colour. She smiles at him gently when their eyes meet across the room and he has to, more or less, force the corners of his mouth upright.

This isn’t right at all. God, why is he doing this? 

He looks nervously over the benches in the small-town chapel, sees all those familiar faces and their excitement and anticipation. Because everyone seems to agree that these two souls getting married here today are supposed to be together. They belong together.

So why is he so reluctant? 

The chapel looks lovely, incredible even. Their parents have out done themselves and brought a wedding straight from a book of fairy tales. Flowers of rose and white are decorating the sides of every single bench, a couple of elegant candelabras are adding to the sophistication of the altar at the front.

There is also so much tulle. Too much for his taste especially but it’s not like he had any say regarding the deco throughout the whole planning process. Above him there is a gentle canopy, also reflecting their colour board of white and pastel rose. There is more of the fine netting placed along the rows of seats. It looks amazing, he has to admit this much at the least.

And Jocelyn? She looks like an angel in her long white dress, showing off her figure in just the right ways. Every step she takes is just as graceful as the one before and brings her closer to him. The small bouquet of red roses, she holds in her hands in front of herself, adds another perfect accent, making her seem innocent but also desirable at the same time.

His time is running out. 

In every rational objective way this is perfect. They are perfect together. Two young beautiful people, brilliant minds with even brighter futures from good families. Even when taking into account 23rd century standards this marriage is still ideal. 

What is the importance of logic, when his heart is simply not in it? 

He catches himself scanning the front row and finds his mother’s eyes. They lock their gaze for a brief second but so much communication takes place within this particular instance. She inclines her head with a soft smile and signs him with a calm hand motion to take a deep breath. He hasn’t even realised that he has been holding his breath in the first place and so he fills his lungs steadily with air, wills himself to relax. His fingers wander nervously to the cufflinks of his dress shirt just to find something that would stop him from fidgeting restlessly. 

Why is he doing this? 

Suddenly, he feels panic rising up in his chest, but Jocelyn is already there, taking the last steps up to be next to him by the altar and he feels her fingers slip between his after passing on the flowers to her maid of honour. Her gentle squeeze brings him back to reality and he gives her a light smile before his eyes fall onto their connected hands. Her soft warm hand rests so easily against his. Comfortable, safe and stable. 

They would be good together.

His look also drifts past their hands and remains on her abdomen. The dress does wonders to hide most of the signs, but someone just needed to look close enough to see the first hints of a slowly rounding belly. This has never been part of the plan, the result of a night full of arguments that left him heartbroken, but this reminder brings the first real smile of the day onto his lips. This is why he is doing this. Because this child is everything but a mistake. 

They have to be good together. And he will be a good dad. 

He finally manages to meet Jocelyn’s eyes again and he sees a reflection of his own emotions in her eyes. And she will be a brilliant mom. 

He will always support her and be her partner but there is one significant thing that he can’t give her just the way that he is supposed to. Love. He doesn’t love her the way he has to…which still doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love her at all. It’s confusing. He is confused. He loves Jocelyn. Just not in the same way as he loves somebody else. Well, loved is probably the correct way to say it.

So, it has to be enough because he loves this tiny life slowly growing within Jocelyn more than anything already and nothing will ever change that. 

The vicar starts her speech, welcomes everyone to witness this union and every single word that she says about love makes it even harder for him to breathe. He holds on to Jocelyn’s hand like an anchor because she is steady. He’s tried to capture a wild storm for far too long. Settling for a beautiful summer breeze isn’t the worst thing. In the contrary, it is the smart choice, the wise one. 

“If any of you has a reason why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” He has been so lost in his thoughts until the vicar raises her voice a bit more and speaks these particular words that make his heart stop for a second and he finds himself looking at the closed doors of the chapel.

A few seconds pass during which nothing happens, and he feels silly for the treacherous sense of disappointment that fills him right then and there.  
What has he been thinking? That those doors will fly open and he would see his destiny marching in, saving him from whatever future he is determining himself to? His wedding might look like a fairy tale but it surely isn’t one. 

More importantly, why would he say yes even if his fate happened to drop by? He was bleeding and hurting for so long just because he was left behind, alone, all those months ago. And why? Because he would not agree to get into that stupid red car…to leave Georgia, his family, everything he knows, to go away and maybe join Starfleet. He wasn’t ready and he probably still isn’t. It's just not meant to be... 

But his heart is longing, no matter how much he tries to lie to himself. 

“Leonard…”, at the sound of his name he looks at the vicar again and swallows hard, “will you take Jocelyn, to be your wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do you part?” 

His mouth goes very dry, very quickly and he looks at Jocelyn smiling at him. He glances quickly at his mother looking up at him all proud and drops his eyes to their hands for a brief moment before lifting his head more confidently again. “I-“ 

He doesn’t get further than that. 

Suddenly the heavy door is pushed open with a loud noise and draws the attention of the whole chapel towards it. 

This is when his world turns upside down. 

This is when his storm returns. 

He stares into those familiar blue eyes, full of electricity meeting his own and he feels his body go numb. He can’t move. Doesn’t know what to do. 

He’s back. For him. Because of him? 

It doesn’t matter. Jim is back. 

Confused murmurs and a general disquiet start filling the audience until Jocelyn mother stands up and walks towards the intruder, lifting her chin high with confidence. A gesture which her opponent mimics with ease and double the determination. “You need to leave.”, she tells him heatedly, “Now.” And it’s clear that this is not a request. 

Jim doesn’t even look at her, keeps his eyes locked with the groom’s, his stance that of an unwavering rock as if he is daring everyone to just go ahead and try to move him against his will. “I’ll only leave if Leonard asks me to.”, he mumbles back and pulls slightly at the jacket of his suit, the only hint of nervousness, trying to convey his thoughts at the other man through mere staring. 

Leonard finds it hard to process what exactly is happening at the moment, all those basic motor functions are a struggle. The chance of him spontaneously developing a telepathic ability can really be excluded for the next foreseeable future. He only manages to tear his eyes from Jim’s when he feels another gentle squeeze of his hand and Jocelyn tenderly cups his cheek when he meets her gaze. An expression so kind and understanding, something that he really doesn’t feel like he deserves. 

“Hey, look at me.”, her voice urges him softly but confidently to stay with her for her next words, “It’s okay, Len.”  
“I…”, he takes a shaky breath and can hear his own heartbeat racing in his ears, “I can’t breathe.” Jocelyn nods lightly and keeps smiling at him. “I know. It’s okay.” 

It is then when he makes a decision and finally listens to what his heart has been trying to tell him for so long. 

“Jocelyn, I’m so sorry. I can’t do this.”, Leonard shakes his head lightly and is surprised when her expression turns only gentler. “I understand. You don’t have to explain. You deserve to be happy.” She traces her thumb tenderly over his cheekbone, a soothing gesture showing that she is not angry with him. After all, she has always known. “And _we_ will be fine.” With this short sentence, Jocelyn makes clear that she wouldn’t exclude him from their child’s life. It is their baby, but she also doesn’t want him to be unhappy in a marriage that neither of them really needs. 

There are no words to describe what he feels in this moment, the gratitude for this incredible woman and him basically being overwhelmed all together. He leans forward and presses a reverent kiss to her cheek before slowly letting go of her hand with a whisper, “Thank you.” It is not enough but it is all he can say right now. 

Leonard takes another deep breath before turning around to face Jim again who keeps watching him out of those blue eyes with so much uncertainty, hope and guilty. Jim isn’t steady or calm or safe. He is an earthquake that shakes Leonard to his very bones. He is also the only one who makes him feel alive, like he belongs nowhere else but by his side, because their hearts are meant to beat in the same rhythm for as long as the both of them are alive. 

There is a brief moment where he catches his mother’s eyes again, but he sees nothing but unconditional love and an encouraging smile. His momma has always told him to follow his heart for a reason. 

It’s his heart that makes him take the first step, down to the aisle away from the altar. He has to take another breath, just stays there for a second and wonders if this is really a good idea.

The answer is quite obvious by now. It keeps him going, never losing Jim’s look. Not even for a millisecond. The closer he gets, the easier it feels, and his steps become faster, more confident and he sees Jim’s expression shift from one emotion to another, unsure of what to expect. 

Jocelyn’s mother makes one last futile attempt of saving her family’s name from being ridiculed in front of everyone. She steps into his way and tries to stop him. “Leonard, you have to end this. Right now.” But he is done listening to her, done with her making decisions that have nothing to do with her daughter’s welfare but only with the way her family looks in front of society. It is time for her to wake up and realise that they don’t live in the Middle Ages anymore. Nobody cares.

“Enough.”, he walks past her with probably the most confidence he has ever mustered in front of this woman and finally closes the distance between himself and Jim. 

Jim stares at him out of wide eyes and opens his mouth to say something, “Bones…” 

But he doesn’t wait and listen. He is done with waiting and listening to people. Leonard grabs Jim tightly by his suit and captures his lips in a demanding kiss, pulling the blonde close against his chest. 

At first Jim stiffens in surprise but it only takes a moment until he relaxes with a soft sigh and his body melts against Leonard’s with ease, his hands come to rest on his hips. They line-up perfectly as if they are meant to be like this. Because the universe has made them for each other. 

When he kisses Leonard back…his lips are just like he remembers. Soft and sweet. Addictive. There is certain despair in their kiss, a need to be close, to be one, and to never be separated ever again. They have no choice when it comes to this. 

Leonard pulls back for a second and Jim chases his lips before meeting his eyes again with not a single word spoken between them. 

It’s not necessary for them to speak. They know one and another. All their flaws and problems, all their baggage. It doesn’t take much and the people around them seem to disappear, existence reduces to only them as they get lost within each other. This is where he is supposed to be. 

Leonard leans back in and claims Jim’s mouth again, with a gentler, more tender kiss which the other reciprocates immediately. 

This is who he is supposed to be with. 

They may not be perfect. But they are perfect for each other. They belong together. No doubt.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I look forward to your comments :D
> 
> Say hi to me on [Tumblr](https://marythepoppins.tumblr.com)!! ;D
> 
> Also a little side note, I decided to portray Jocelyn like this - kind and understanding - on purpose because there is just too much hate out there which she probably doesn't deserve. I like to think that when they married in canon they loved each other but it was their work that had put a strain on their relationship, finally resulting in their divorce. But that's just me being nice maybe :'D


End file.
